Because i posted via txt msg.

1 2 3... Is this working?

I actually started rearranging the shop for Christmas. This is huge because decorating for Christmas has been #1 on the to-do list for about 4 weeks.

I think I shall take pics of the shop at Christmas and post them here. I must say, I am usually quite proud of how it turns out every year. Claudia and I do a TON of work and put a lot of effort into it every year. Every year it is different. Which is a challenge since for the last 2 years my boss hasn't bought any new Christmas merchandise. We have to make the old stuff look new.

It can be a real challenge.

And we have less than 3 weeks before our Christmas Open House. *pulls hair out*

Ordinarily we would have started decorating 3 weeks ago...

yesterday morning I made a big pot of coffee and put the breakfast in the oven and went into the living room to check my e-mail and read my Bible, and enjoy time alone on a Saturday morning.

Then, I heard something weird in the kitchen... and I went to see what it was. And it was my coffee. All over the counter. *sobs* my coffee pot had cracked.

I was not happy Bob.

My finances do not allow room for buying extra kitchen appliances.

I took out my frustration on the dishes.

So, we were getting ready to go over to Mom and Dad's and I wanted to go to Walgreen's and get a new coffee maker and the girls didn't think that was a good idea and it was very frustrating and long story short all 3 of us ended up going to K-mart together, where we stood in the aisle looking at coffee makers. Steph and Katie listened to me sighing about how expensive these things are... yada yada...

Finally Katie spills the beans. She and Steph had planned to surprise me with a new coffee maker (tied with a bow) and a card reading "Happy Saturday" :) except I was too stubborn to just let them go alone, and so they ended up having to bring me along... aren't they sweet?

So, I have a new coffee maker in my kitchen now. And this one is NICE, people! It's programmable! So, this morning, the coffee was hot and ready before we even got out of bed!! and... it's RED! matches my kitchen beautifully!!!

I learned today that my boss plans to buy a space heater for Claudia and I to keep on our side of the design table. *skips in delight* The heating system at the shop is ANCIENT. Last year the heaters ran constantly and still only kept it at 54 degrees in the back. 54 DEGREES!!! I felt like I worked in an igloo. I drank hot chocolate by the gallons and wore 2 sweatshirts and my knit cap all winter.

But, this winter should be much better!!! I'm so glad my boss is willing to do this! She can be really thoughtful when she's not too busy. She said she was going to get a space heater "so maybe you won't be so sick this winter." Wasn't that nice???

Now, we'll see if she actually remembers to get one...

So, this morning I was cleaning off my dresser, organizing my makeup brushes and makeup and lotions and potions and finding things I never use, and finding my bank statements (my dresser is a TERRIBLE mess, obviously...)

Anywho, that's irrelevant.

So, I was working and thinking. And I was thinking about going to see Fireproof (which we are doing today) and wondering why I'm so not looking forward to it. Um... why I'm dreading it actually? And I know that it's partly because I'm just being such a stick-in-the-mud lately and feeling like I don't want to do anything other than stay home. And I know I am depressed right now. Going through some tough things. Like, um, what is going to happen to me?!?!? And feeling like turning 27 is going to make me really old and spinster-like.

The hardest thing about being single for me, is that in my mind I'm not MEANT to be single. I've always thought I would be married. I planned for it and prepared for it. And, I did NOT prepare to be single. So, I'm floundering, and feeling like I've made mistakes and wondering what they were and how to fix them. And I feel like no one is taking my problem seriously. I'm taking it very seriously. But, I feel like no one else is. Now, to be fair, I don't have many close friends that I see regularly. Actually, none. And most of my friends are married, so they're not in the spot I'm in to know from personal experience what I'm going through. And, to really be fair, I have never been a pour-my-heart-out talker. Conversations with me and other people usually consist of me listening 90% of the time. But, regardless of all that, I can still feel very VERY alone and abandoned at times. Like, right now.

So, to get back to what I was saying.... I was thinking... and I realized that I feel that married people are more important than I am. Higher on the totem pole so to speak.

So, this puzzles me. I'm not really sure what to think. Do you guys feel this way? Is it true?

To my darling KDID. Have a fabulous, klutz-free birthday!

um...

today is Friday. YIPPEE!!!

I don't have to do anything tomorrow except get my nails done. I'm treating myself because I paid off my car loan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would love actually to treat myself with a shopping spree but, as I already mentioned: I PAID OFF MY CAR LOAN and have not much money leftover. So, I'm just getting my nails done.

I have a new Dorothy Sayers mystery to read that I have not read yet. YIPPEE!

I have a couple of recipes I want to try tomorrow. AND I have TIME to try them! YIPPEE!!

I am very easily contented, obviously.

We had a humdinger of a Bible Study last night. We came up with a question we all have concerning our church's foundational premises (we think)... Anyway, no one knew the answer so some of suggested asking our church elders for an explanation. Easy as pie, for those of us that have open relationships with the church elders. BUT, for the people that will INSIST on reading offense into EVERYTHING... it got kind of hairy... I do hate when people have bad attitudes against authority figures for no reason... Anyway, the whole thing ended with Tom (fellow Bible Studier) and I being elected "spokespeople" for the group to approach the elders with our questions. Which should be ok, since we agree with each other and both definitely have very close relationships with the church elders. I just don't really feel comfortable with the responsibility, and the attitudes...

ok, have a wonderful weekend everyone!!! cheerio!

OK, seriously.... you can't order $2,200 worth of flowers for your wedding and then delay paying it until you feel like it.
You might give a florist an anxiety attack.

can I ask some more advice??

What should I do with my makeup?
My makeup routine is pretty boring and unvaried. I do the same thing every day, regardless of the day. Very neutral shades, browns and tans for eyeshadow, etc.
But, I think for a wedding I should step it up a little, try to look a little more "formal"...

I somehow think that sparkle would be appropriate, but WHERE do I put it??

Does anyone have any ideas on how to dress up my makeup without looking silly? I really don't trust myself to pick out good colors other than neutrals. I'm so afraid to go with an actual COLOR for eyeshadow...

I do use eyeliner on my top eyelid every day... should I use it on the bottom eyelash too for the wedding?

Maybe a bolder shade of lipstick than I normally wear?? Normally I wear only lip gloss, or a lipstick that is tinted just a shade darker than my actual lip color. My skin is pretty light and sort of transparent looking, and I have almost no color in my face at all... so, I'm afraid any color I pick will just stand out...

I'm probably asking WAY too many questions and confusing the heck out of everyone.
Sorry!!!

Any advice at all would be appreciated!!!!

ok, I'm in a wedding next Sunday, and I have a question for you all!

what should I wear to the rehearsal???

the family of the bride is pretty casual, but the bride is a "princess" type :).

The rehearsal dinner is pizza at the bride's sisters house...

I have a vague feeling that if I wear anything nice I'll be way overdressed. (Like when we went shopping for bridesmaids dresses, I wore nice brown pants and a button down shirt, but I looked overdressed, because everyone else wore jeans...) but, at the same time I think it should be a kind of dressy occasion?? I don't know...

I've been at lots of wedding rehearsals because of doing videography. Some of them the bride bought a special dress to wear to the rehearsal and others where the bride wore jeans. But, I never paid much attention to the bridesmaids.

So, I'm going around and around in my head and I can't believe I just thought of this now!!!

anyone have any suggestions from weddings they've been in?

Today we all went to my maternal Great Grandparents house to clean up and sort through things. The real purpose was so that everyone would have a chance to take whatever they wanted. Great Grandpa died almost 2 years ago, and Great Grandma last week...

To explain:
Great Grandma and Great Grandpa had two daughters, Carol and Karen
Carol is my Grandma, she had 3 children, my mom and my 2 uncles.
Karen had 4 children, and died about 25 years ago.

And then of course, my mom, my uncles, and my mom's 4 cousins all had children so there are *counts on fingers* 26 great grandchildren.

all of the great grandkids weren't there, but the grandkids were (my mom, uncles and the 4 cousins).

Great Grandma and Great Grandpa had a pretty small house, but it was STUFFED full of... stuff.
They collected anything strange, unusual, different, funny... you name it. They also were huge crafty people. Grandpa built things all the time and Grandma made all sorts of stuff too.

Let me tell you... it was one of the hardest things I've ever done, going through all of those things, looking at them, remembering...

I have so many memories...

Their house sits on the river and they have a beautiful view and a pier. After hours of going through their things and divvying up and everyone sharing memories, and feeling terrible for actually *gasp* throwing away!!! some of their things, I was exhausted.

I had just been in the bedroom with mom where I commented that whoever bought the house would probably tear down all the wood paneling that is EVERYWHERE in the house. Mom gasped and looked at me in shock. "Um, well, it's just not in right now, Mom." (trust me, it's ugly) Mom glared daggers at me and left quickly, (presumable to cry in the other room).

And then Grandpa (Mom's Dad, or Carol's husband whichever way makes more sense to you :) dropped the bombshell on me... "You know, Rebecca Joy, what you and everybody else has to understand is that this house isn't worth nearly as much as the lot it's built on. It's a great house, and there's not a thing wrong with it. But, most likely whoever buys it will probably tear it down and rebuild. They'll want a bigger house."

Did I mention that Great Grandpa worked hard all of his life and saved and scrimped to build that house? And they designed and built it themselves? And they had beautiful gardens that they made themselves?

All of the sudden it just hit me that they are gone. Forever. And their house and everything in it will never be there again. I ran out the door after mom and sobbed in the driveway.

I hate the thought that someone will come along and tear down their house with no thought about the people that lived there.

My whole day has been tough, emotionally...

And on top of that... Mom decided that we are not only going to have EVERYONE from church over for a potluck tomorrow after church, we are also going to have a potluck AFTER the potluck for some homeschool families she knows. So, two parties in one day. Lovely. My Socially Paranoid self is hyperventilating.

On Friday, mom and I and Kate and Steph were all at Great Grandma's going through closets and things. My Aunt Nancy was there and my mom's cousin Peggy.

Nancy and Peggy are both great fun and Nancy teases me every time she sees about having a guy. you know:
'Why didn't you bring your boyfriend?"
"I hope we get to meet your guy NEXT Christmas, since we couldn't meet him this year"
"Aren't there ANY single guys in your church?" (to which my uncle replies 'none of them are good enough for her!")
"I think Josh Groban is single...."

anywho... so Nancy remarks (as we are commenting over Great Grandma's obvious shoe fetish)
"So, is there going to be a wedding in your family this year?" *elbows me*
Before I had any chance to say anything, mom shouts emphatically from the depths of the closet: "YES!"
To which Peggy starts rambling: "WHAT?! I didn't know!!! What's his name?"
Nancy and I rush to correct her:
"Oh no, there isn't anybody"
"I'm just teasing her. I tease her all the time."
"Really, there isn't anybody."

all the while mom continues to say "Yes, there is" in that voice like 'I don't beleive myself but maybe if I say it long enough it will happen' with only a slight smirk on her face.

Meanwhile Katie was terrible confused, thinking that Nancy had been talking to Peggy and jumping to the conclusion that Peggy's son might be getting married, and wondering why Peggy didn't know anything about it and mom did....

oh. my. word.

I laughed then, but later asked mom WHY she had to add such confusion to the situation by saying yes over and over...

she had no answer.

This past week for me has been about stretching my own limits. Facing my fears. Discovering pain. Frustration. Grief. Realizing once again the shortness and insecurity of my own life.


It began last Wednesday with the death of my Great Grandma. The week spiraled into a flurry of rearranging plans, organizing and trying to make arrangements. Mom and Katie and Steph and I left early Friday morning to head to Great Grandma's house where we helped other family members go through her things. Some of it we gave away. Some we kept as mementos. Some we wondered at. Many, many things sparked "do you remember when's?" We laughed and cried and missed her and Great Grandpa a whole lot.


So, we had the funeral, and we said good-bye at the grave.


And we came home worn out and emotionally exhausted and trying to imagine that we could just go back to 'normal' life.


But, I decided I should probably pay attention to the sore throat I've had for a few days, that wasn't going away and was awfully reminiscent of the strep I've already had twice this year. My younger siblings all had strep only a week ago, and I guess I didn't stay away like I thought I did... ooops...


So, I never went back to work this week. Instead I'm staying home and resting and reading and sleeping and thinking a lot.


Frustration is an underlying emotion that goes hand in hand with grief. It also hangs out with sickness and depression.


Which just gives me one more thing to overcome....

it's amazing how fast life can change. I was working at Mom's this morning, doing computer work, filing paperwork, and such. I left to go to work at noon, where I immediately loaded up the station wagon and started delivering flowers. 10 minutes into delivering I noticed a missed call on my phone. HOME... so, I dialed the number back. I figured it wasn't anything big, since I had just been there 15 minutes ago.

Joe answered the phone: "Hello?"
Me: "Hey! somebody just called me?"
Joe: "Uh, yeah, mom did. here she is... oh, never mind. she can't talk right now."
Me: "ok... is everything ok?" (his voice sounded REALLY wierd...)
Joe: "no. it's not ok."
Me: "what's wrong??"
Joe: "You need to talk to mom, and she can't talk right now. bye."
*hangs up phone*

so.... I panicked. I was all the way on the other side of town from home and I spent the whole drive getting myself more and more worked up thinking about all of the terrible possibilites.

I had pretty much convinced myself something tragic had probably happened to one of the kids when I arrived home and saw Dad's truck parked crazily half in the driveway, half in the street. I ran inside and was partially relieved to find Sarah Beth calmly eating lunch in her high chair.

I demanded that Joe tell me what had happened, and he did. My last living Great Grandma had just died. It was a blow. She hadn't been sick, and it was totally unexpected.

So, after holding mom for a while and trying to finish my deliveries without crying too much, I headed back to the shop, and punched out for the day.

And I just kept thinking about how fast things change. In the blink of an eye, out of the blue my whole world went careening crazily. I'll never forget that terror as I drove home KNOWING something terrible had happened. And the realization that our lives are not ours to control, and that everything can change in a second and we may never know what hit us.

I'm going to miss Grandma. I'm especially sad because she always told me she wanted to live to see Great Great Grandchildren, and I really wanted her to... It could have been possible.

But, I also know that she has been miserable since Great Grandpa died unexpectedly almost 2 years ago. She even told me that her life was "like hell." So, I know they are happy again, together. My sisters and I laughed when we imagined them driving around to visit all of their friends in heaven, since that's exactly what they loved to do here on earth.

well, I had the entire day off yesterday and haven't had such a nice day in.... a really long time.

at the same time, it was a little sad too... I don't know, something about having time to think and I realized my clock is ticking...

I've been feeling so old lately!

and really like my life isn't going anywhere...

I keep hearing about people that are getting married, and wondering if I ever will. To be frankly honest people, there weren't many single guys in my church before, now there aren't ANY. Well, maybe there's one, but if he ever gets married, I will be shocked.

Anyway, it seems like everyone is getting married so FAST too!!! Holy buckets! we were at a wedding last weekend that was about 6 weeks in the planning stage and about 3 weeks in the courtship stage! Then while we were at that wedding, we heard about another couple that is getting married. I was talking to the sister of one of them and she said they had been "courting" for about 2 weeks, they were already engaged and hoping to set a date for the wedding either August or September!

What is happening here people?????

I'd like to know what you all think about fast courtships/engagements.

personally, I am in favor of short engagements (although 6 weeks is crazy short!)
I'm not sure how I feel about short courtships though....

is my day off!

i switched my schedule around at the flower shop so I now have Tuesdays completely free!!!

I'm hoping to get a lot of reading done. a lot of writing done. a lot of projects done
(like sewing, painting, scrapbooking, etc.) all the things that I always want to do, but never have a big enough chunk of time to devote to it.

so, I was planning to drive to DBQ to go shopping but, now realized I don't have to! and why would I spend the gas money to go there today when I'm already needing to go there Thursday and Saturday and Sunday... and I can get my shopping done one of those days when I'm already in town!

So, maybe Susie and I will go see a movie. Or maybe I will organize my books and straighten my room... or get started on my scrapbook project... or make a lavish, wonderful dinner... or read ALL DAY!

the possibilities are endless people.

I'm so excited!

I almost never do that.

sorry, 'bout that.

life has been busy. BUT! I just changed my schedule at the flower shop so I not have Tuesday's completely free!! that is super exciting!! i have a list of things a mile long that I want to get done...

Another skit from camp.

This one is about a boy who has a dream that he is given the armor of the Lord and then forgets all of it, while he jumps between lots of different dreams.

My brother played the lead and I thought he did an awesome job. You'll also see all of my sisters (except the baby).

This is one of my favorites from this year. I laugh so hard when I watch it. Mostly because my brother is SO funny and SO completely himself....

The Dream of a Lifetime
PLEASE, PLEASE be critical!